The Storm

Depressed.Broken.Hurt.Confused.Ashamed.Discouraged.Stressed.Guilt.Shame.Defeat. So many negative words to describe such a positive person. How do I pick up the pieces when there are so many scattered so far. I am at my wits end, I take a step forward to only be turned around and to start over and when I make progress I am stepping down the wrong path. My faith has become so shaky and my heart so weary. At times when I want to give up there is a divine intervention that pushes me to keep going. But what if that divine intervention doesn't show up when I need it to the most ? I have seen so many mascara filled pillows and tear soaked pillow cases. When will my storm be over? Lightning has stricken my heart more times then my fingers or toes can count, thunder has shaken my mind more then I can remember, the clouds have clouded my judgment and corrupted my path more then I can remember having a sunny day. And the rain pours and when I stop crying I have a reminder always feeling the dampen pillow where I lay my head to mourn the lost of who I am. I need my storm to be over now! Real friends don't seem to exist in my life, I can remember all the birthday parties, sleepovers, and parties i have been to. I can remember the first time I made a friend and the first time that friend hurt me. Being such a forgiving person I know you can't forgive and forget everything, some times people are not meant to be apart of your life. The first time I had my heart broken I wanted to sleep forever, The next time was worst than the first and the time after that had I wanted to die. All by the same person, see people judge me and don't even know my story. I was so broken by this man and I was the one who endured the backlash of everyone's thoughts and comments but he was commended and praised for the things he'd done to me. He lied on me, deceived me and made me fall in love with all his lie's. Even when I was honest I was the liar, my reputation was destroyed today along with the rest of the dignity he left for me to hold on to. Not to mention having two babies murdered in the process, how could I be so stupid to endure numerous amounts of pain and hurt.from one guy and this isn't even the worst part. I was infected with his lies and deceit that I didn't know where to turn. I am so hurt and I have even tricked myself into being ok when I don't even know how to get over him and move on. This however still isn't the worst part, my health was compromised as well as my body, and I don't even remember the last time I was happy. I have endured so many doctors bills that I can't afford and the worst part is that even though I know he is a liar and manipulator I still allow him to corrupt my world by telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Even though I know he is lying when says it I want to believe it and my heart does because of how weak I am. I want to believe he has changed or is changing but all his actions don't even prove me wrong. I just hope my storm will be over, but until then I want to take back every tangible part of my heart back from the my so called friends have stolen, this guy has stolen, and anyone who has there hand on my heart! What kills you does make you stronger. I don't know how much more I am willing to take, but I know that today it ends. I want you to know, you cause me no harm because I am safe in Gods arms. Now I can say Go away, I command you to move today because of faith I have a brand new day, the sun will shine and I will be OK. That's what I tell my storm. I tell the storm to past. You don't have a choice in the matter, go away. I won't be defeated, I command you to go. No weapon formed against me shall prosper, I don't have to worry about a thing. Jesus will bring me out alright, I stand on solid ground and tell my storm; wind stop blowing, floods stop flowing, lightning stop flashing, darkness go away. I know that even as I write this I cry but not because of all the hurt I have been through but my path is getting lighter. I am going through some trails but I am getting through them! I am not the most religious person but my faith in God is getting tenacious and I will get better.