7/19/2011

I was told Lady Bugs are good luck. They fly so freely and where ever they land they are appreciated. There beauty is astonishing to whoever can accept them. Like the lady bug I want to fly with my arms open wide and where ever I land I want to feel secure on my landing. The only dilemma that holds be back is that when I spread my wings I am afraid I will fall, I have mastered the technique of falling but getting back up, ALONE is a task I have yet to conquer. Sometimes when you lay face first in the dirt no one can see the shame on your face so no one can see the truth behind all the debris on your face. I am afraid to start over being that everyone will remember the place I was last standing. Even though I am changing, the world around me is still the same. I stand alone and when I need someone or something to lean on I tumble back over onto the concrete. It becomes a slap in my face, and another scare that I can't seem to heal. Sometimes I think God hates me and other times God is the only person I can confide in. I'm in a constant battle with myself and I can not win. If I can find a steady rock to stand on I may be able to take flight, but every thing my feet seem to touch parishes and I am expected to keep moving like I just didn't endure something. What I've learned about myself though is that while I have a hard time adjusting to my changes I still get back up, no matter how are the struggle is something makes me want to do better! The rock I am for the people around me I want to be for myself, I am not sad because of the things that have happened to me, but the things I keep allowing to effect me. When I look at myself in the mirror I see a different person everyday, one day I look defeated another day I look exhausted, and another day I look complacent. When will I see blessed ? happy ? confident ? I want to be free like the lady bug, I want to be lucky, I want to serve a purpose other then taking up space on this earth. I want to be beautiful, and when I finally land on my flower I want to know that from the bottom to the top, from the outside in I'm better then what people think I amount to. I pray that my heart is healed. I just want to believe in myself the way I believe in the things people think of me, being weak WAS my strong point. I can't continue to fall to my knees and let my heart, emotions, & thoughts be toyed with like a puppet! When I find the scissors I WILL cut my strings.