7/19/2011

I was told Lady Bugs are good luck. They fly so freely and where ever they land they are appreciated. There beauty is astonishing to whoever can accept them. Like the lady bug I want to fly with my arms open wide and where ever I land I want to feel secure on my landing. The only dilemma that holds be back is that when I spread my wings I am afraid I will fall, I have mastered the technique of falling but getting back up, ALONE is a task I have yet to conquer. Sometimes when you lay face first in the dirt no one can see the shame on your face so no one can see the truth behind all the debris on your face. I am afraid to start over being that everyone will remember the place I was last standing. Even though I am changing, the world around me is still the same. I stand alone and when I need someone or something to lean on I tumble back over onto the concrete. It becomes a slap in my face, and another scare that I can't seem to heal. Sometimes I think God hates me and other times God is the only person I can confide in. I'm in a constant battle with myself and I can not win. If I can find a steady rock to stand on I may be able to take flight, but every thing my feet seem to touch parishes and I am expected to keep moving like I just didn't endure something. What I've learned about myself though is that while I have a hard time adjusting to my changes I still get back up, no matter how are the struggle is something makes me want to do better! The rock I am for the people around me I want to be for myself, I am not sad because of the things that have happened to me, but the things I keep allowing to effect me. When I look at myself in the mirror I see a different person everyday, one day I look defeated another day I look exhausted, and another day I look complacent. When will I see blessed ? happy ? confident ? I want to be free like the lady bug, I want to be lucky, I want to serve a purpose other then taking up space on this earth. I want to be beautiful, and when I finally land on my flower I want to know that from the bottom to the top, from the outside in I'm better then what people think I amount to. I pray that my heart is healed. I just want to believe in myself the way I believe in the things people think of me, being weak WAS my strong point. I can't continue to fall to my knees and let my heart, emotions, & thoughts be toyed with like a puppet! When I find the scissors I WILL cut my strings.

The Storm

Depressed.Broken.Hurt.Confused.Ashamed.Discouraged.Stressed.Guilt.Shame.Defeat. So many negative words to describe such a positive person. How do I pick up the pieces when there are so many scattered so far. I am at my wits end, I take a step forward to only be turned around and to start over and when I make progress I am stepping down the wrong path. My faith has become so shaky and my heart so weary. At times when I want to give up there is a divine intervention that pushes me to keep going. But what if that divine intervention doesn't show up when I need it to the most ? I have seen so many mascara filled pillows and tear soaked pillow cases. When will my storm be over? Lightning has stricken my heart more times then my fingers or toes can count, thunder has shaken my mind more then I can remember, the clouds have clouded my judgment and corrupted my path more then I can remember having a sunny day. And the rain pours and when I stop crying I have a reminder always feeling the dampen pillow where I lay my head to mourn the lost of who I am. I need my storm to be over now! Real friends don't seem to exist in my life, I can remember all the birthday parties, sleepovers, and parties i have been to. I can remember the first time I made a friend and the first time that friend hurt me. Being such a forgiving person I know you can't forgive and forget everything, some times people are not meant to be apart of your life. The first time I had my heart broken I wanted to sleep forever, The next time was worst than the first and the time after that had I wanted to die. All by the same person, see people judge me and don't even know my story. I was so broken by this man and I was the one who endured the backlash of everyone's thoughts and comments but he was commended and praised for the things he'd done to me. He lied on me, deceived me and made me fall in love with all his lie's. Even when I was honest I was the liar, my reputation was destroyed today along with the rest of the dignity he left for me to hold on to. Not to mention having two babies murdered in the process, how could I be so stupid to endure numerous amounts of pain and hurt.from one guy and this isn't even the worst part. I was infected with his lies and deceit that I didn't know where to turn. I am so hurt and I have even tricked myself into being ok when I don't even know how to get over him and move on. This however still isn't the worst part, my health was compromised as well as my body, and I don't even remember the last time I was happy. I have endured so many doctors bills that I can't afford and the worst part is that even though I know he is a liar and manipulator I still allow him to corrupt my world by telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Even though I know he is lying when says it I want to believe it and my heart does because of how weak I am. I want to believe he has changed or is changing but all his actions don't even prove me wrong. I just hope my storm will be over, but until then I want to take back every tangible part of my heart back from the my so called friends have stolen, this guy has stolen, and anyone who has there hand on my heart! What kills you does make you stronger. I don't know how much more I am willing to take, but I know that today it ends. I want you to know, you cause me no harm because I am safe in Gods arms. Now I can say Go away, I command you to move today because of faith I have a brand new day, the sun will shine and I will be OK. That's what I tell my storm. I tell the storm to past. You don't have a choice in the matter, go away. I won't be defeated, I command you to go. No weapon formed against me shall prosper, I don't have to worry about a thing. Jesus will bring me out alright, I stand on solid ground and tell my storm; wind stop blowing, floods stop flowing, lightning stop flashing, darkness go away. I know that even as I write this I cry but not because of all the hurt I have been through but my path is getting lighter. I am going through some trails but I am getting through them! I am not the most religious person but my faith in God is getting tenacious and I will get better.